Link to Original Story: Beekeeper - JED
This was a really hard one to do. Not because of the pitch (which in retrospect wasn't the easiest, though I still think it's a good one), but just because I put it off, and never really meshed with the story. I was fairly busy procrastinating and getting ready to travel back to SC this week, so I only had a few paragraphs, maybe a page or so, by midnight Saturday (for the record you can't write very well on an airplane). JP was in the same position, and we came really close to putting it off. But for some reason we decided to keep on working, to push through, even if what we put to the page was utter crap. That was a good decision, because in the end it wasn't that bad. I like some of the metaphors (though I still needed to bring up some of the more subtle ones, like white's as bees), and I like the general idea. I like some of the lines, particularly the last ones, and some of the descriptives. That said, it was still more than a bit rough in spots. It felt like the story wanted to be something else; like it was an unruly dog and I had to keep jerking the leash to get it back in line. In many ways the story wanted to be more about the plague and the backstory than about the bees and whites. I also think I needed more space. I didn't sufficiently play up the final realization that whites and natives are the same and the hopelessness that the main character has in that realization. Instead, it kinda seems like the whites just really aren't bad at all, and I certainly didn't intend that. I ran out of space and the consequence is that it all speeds up and becomes compressed towards the end. Some of the lines also felt forced and a bit cliché. But the best thing I learned here was that you need to push on through. That just because you aren't inspired doesn't mean you shouldn't write. Sometimes forcing the words brings inspiration. And sometimes it doesn't but at least you've got something on the page. As JP said "there are no time-outs in the Game." Word.
JP says thusly: