JP's Reborn Story
Link to Original Story: Reborn Story - JP
I chose this pitch to rewrite for three reasons: a) I’m lazy; b) I was writing another story at the same time; and c) I felt like I didn’t properly complete the task the first time. This time, I wanted to plot out the entire story, and I feel like I did that. I’m pretty pleased with it; I’d love to play this video game. There’s still tons more to do with it, too. Giant swaths in the middle are missing, and I really liked the side characters, though most only got a sentence’s mention. In the future, I’d like to flesh out their stories and tie some of them in to the main plot.
Most of the Indian names here are taken from actual Native American words or names, as listed above. Adayesgi means cancer. The Quenteotl names are not taken from real Aztec, except for Moqueloa, which was another name for Tezcatlipoca, the cruel over-god of the Aztecs. Though Apotheosis is intentionally distinct from the rest, Jason didn’t think it worked. He’s probably right.
I would love to play this game, and I'd love to play it even more now than the first time. JP's conceptualization reminds me of the best of the old school (or should it be middle school?) RPGs - games like Fallout and Planescape: Torment and Baldur's Gate. All plot development with compelling characters and a moving story, set against a creative and vivid backdrop incorporating elements of the surreal into the rich detail of a fully functional world. Tasty. That said, I will deliver a slight criticism. I don't think it makes a good story. I love it. I really do, but the nature of a plot expose, even told as a culture myth as done here, is less than a perfect vehicle for an enjoyable story. It ends up being heavy on action and device, thick with repeated names, and relatively light on both theme and visual. No fault to him, it's just the nature of the pitch. Of all his pitches to be reborn, I would not have selected this one, simply because it is so limiting. But for what he had to work with I think he did an excellent job.