Link to Original Story: Sex - JP
This was kind of a cop-out for the pitch, but I like the way it turned out. Actually, it was a cop-out all around, because the idea wasn’t new; I’d been working on the idea for a story called Noir for some time now, and this is just a scene from the much larger story. I still plan on writing Noir, and I hope I can work this into it substantially unchanged. JED likes the contrast between the filthiness of the city and the purity of the sex; I tend to agree. The dream segment is intended to be highly visual in the overlay of Rual on the sex scene, and I hope I succeeded in that. Some of Rual’s comments were intended to interplay with the action, but I was amazed at how well even the ones I didn’t intend to actually still did. I like the present tense voice, but I wonder if it can be sustained through a much longer story… maybe the narrative should be broken up so that Ben only tells parts of it.
JED says thusly: